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| My favourite cocktail, a "Peniscolider" |
Escucha is the Spanish word for ‘Listen’. Ironically Escucha
leaves a great deal to be desired in the ‘hearing’ department. It occasionally
tickles the ear with male wolf whistles or bad chat up lines, “In case you
didn’t know, I love cunt”, the styling’s of a DJ so talented he refers
to himself as ‘Funky T’, or women screaming the names of cocktails that don’t
exist but sound like cocks, ”Make me a Long John Silver”. I don’t know
if when you hit 30 you stop realising how ugly you are, but no amount of booze
will fix the years of being disgusting you’ve already lived through.
The clientele, as implied, are of the highest calibre. Some
are men, just back from work, letting their hair down for the weekend. This
kind of light frivolity normally ends up with them consuming large amounts of
lager, while also considering life’s greater problems, such as all the ‘Poofs
and blacks’. Occasionally they entertain a political flare to their
conversations, turning on all the, ‘Queers and immigrants’. In no way of course
would I imply the entire demographic of this fine establishments client base is
racist. Escucha’s abundance of, ‘African
Nights’, ‘Greek Nights’ and ‘Eastern European nights’ surely reflect Escucha’s
desires of being a cultural melting pot, or ‘Melting Pint’ if you’ll excuse the
pun. Nothing says ‘Mixed Majority’ more than a pricing system based on the
night’s racial acclimatisation. “African Night is it? Make Hennessey slightly
more expensive and put all the napkins in the back room!”
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| Pictured: A tiny selfish |
Its constant drop-ins from top tier celebrities only better
the mixed bag that Escucha provides. JERMAINE JEANICE is a frequent visitor and
CAN often be found loitering near any young, impressionable women. If you’re
hoping he’ll tip you, you’d be wrong, because he’s a tight bastard.
Take a quick trip downstairs and you’ll find yet more price differentials.
Apparently price is relevant to altitude, as Escucha’s sister bar, Minus One, is
so low down that import tax has been added onto all drinks, making it thirty
pence more expensive, as nothing says ‘class’ like thirty pence more, old
glassware and no windows. Minus One also indulges in some of the more ‘sexy’
styling’s of modern bars, using dim: “She might be fit” and “Did I get the
right change” mood lighting. Its not all doom and gloom however, Minus One
provide a wide array of gaudy beds and thin curtains for you to sit behind.
This of course would be more fashionable in any country that houses elephants
or any establishment that allows you to have sex with prostitutes.
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| If you're looking closely, you're gay. |
Altogether Escucha isn’t that bad of a place; the floors may
be sticky with blood and semen, but if in your heart of hearts you’ve always wanted
to know what a rugby players dick looks like, wander down on a Wednesday,
stare about one metre from the floor and don’t open your mouth.
*(written last year, published today, is it relevant? I dont know?)
From The Editor 'a pretty greek deal'
