Bar Review: Coco Tang

Thats the lamp

The House of Coco Tang is not a house. It does not contain a homely atmosphere. My mother does not demand that I always wear a waistcoat. My mother doesn't serve me things out of a teapot, that should not be served from a teapot. Neither does the 'House' of Coco Tang have any relation to anything oriental. In fact I dont think there are any Asian staff. Not that that offends me, but who doesn't like the presence of those noble, noble people.


When the bar first opened it was the worst kept secret in Nottingham. An entranceway guarded by a lone doorman, the only distinguishing feature a hanging, red, lamp. Thats pretty cool I suppose. Of course a few years down the line and the easiest way to find it is to listen for the sound of a gaggle of underdressed sluts, shouting, 'DEY DO DEM COCKTAILS WID DA REFRESHERS AND DAT'. Brilliant. What was chic and underground is now mass market and still underground, but in a different way, now its just sweaty.


The bar in fact is so far underground that phone signals no longer exist. Its so exclusive, you cant phone out to tell anyone about it. If you do get a signal, your phone only displays Coco Tang menus or screams prices at you. There quire high, trust me. 


If you follow the stairs up to the middle floor you may notice, at the back end of the room, or you may not, stands a black door. Behind this door there is not a creaky old room, but there could be. In this room is not a brick wall, or is there? That brick wall does not open to reveal a whole other bar area. I think they had to incase the room, that definitely is not there, in brick in order to hide the smell of pretention. Apparently it can permeate wood. 

These little fuckers are
ten a penny

If you were to carry on upstairs, ignoring any rooms that may or may not be there, because there definitely aren't, just incase im not being clear, you would find the smoking area. On the wall is a giant poster for Moet champagne, clearly a product within the price-range of there classy student clientele. They should have an advert for White Lightning or just a series of re-used gap year anecdotes so they dont run out of any to say. 'And I was literally on the other side of the world, but bumped into ALL my friends, because I have no sense of creativity', "Was I at the full moon party, yeah man, I totally like took, ALL the drugs and punched an old woman". "Get this, im running down the street with this woman's baby and she's like "Gim me my baby' and im like 'Im going to sell it for drugs'. In the end I just threw it in a ditch and went sunbathing because I realised id left all my Yen in a llamas mouth, hi-larious".


What im trying to say is, if you're really into flamboyantly named cocktails, small dance floors, sweat and people throwing about mummy and daddies money, you should head down to Coco Tang. 


p.s They're employing wookies now

From The House of the Editor 'a pretty inebriated deal'