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| "Now I know what a space dinner feels like" |
There are some obviously ridiculous things about the film
‘Armageddon’. Bruce Willis would not work on an oilrig; there isn’t enough
danger there. He would surely have to be on some sort of ‘space’ oilrig, mining
space oil. This is clearly why Hollywood bigwigs decided to add in an elaborate
plot element…space.
Bruce Willis
assembles a rag tag, rough neck, beaten down, washed out, dirty, reckless group
of individuals to go to space and save the earth from a large rock. Apparently,
according to a narrator, this is the son of a similar rock that destroyed the
dinosaurs and is out for revenge. As astronauts would not be able to master the
careful art of drilling holes in their short 8 month drilling experience, Bruce
ambitiously requests the team being replaced with his friends and fellow
drillers or ‘Drillermatrons’, if we are going to use official NASA terminology.
One of these fantastic friends is Steve Buscemi. Steve Buscemi is the only
actor in the world capable of playing a loveable man who has every despicable
flaw. In the film Con Air, Steve hands in a sterling turn as convicted, not
wrongly convicted mind you, pedophile and notorious rapist, Garland Greene. He
spends the entirety of the film purveying a misunderstood and loveable rapist,
even stopping to share a song (surprisingly not a euphemism for a penis, which
I imagine was as hard as steel when filming) with a seven-year-old girl. Nothing
says redemption like singing to a little girl instead of doing what he
obviously wants to do…rape her, literally rape her, maybe even kill her. Buscemi
has had less disturbing roles however, such as Crazy Eyes in Mr Deeds, a
loveable, if not psychotically on edge, cross-eyed man. He has taken on smaller
if not equally normal roles such as Bananas the Clown in 13 moons. Buscemi even
played a gerbil in hit animated comedy, G-Force, a film entirely about gerbils
and not about him being a rapist, This clearly is the man you want to take to
space, cast in space and put in space. This film could have even been retitled
‘Steve Buscemi, Space Pervert’ and it would have probably made more sense. At
one point he genuinely implies he would like a female soldier to kick him in
the balls for pleasure. Then in a scientifically accurate moment he contracts
the deadly and constantly occurring disease, ‘Space Dementia’.
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| "Dangerous but hilarious" |
This is similar to the disease contracted by the
elderly when they become hilarious and loose their possessions and attack care
workers. )The space version only differs
slightly in that it involves 'space' and is instantly diagnosed as ‘Space Dementia’ and no other recognised
medical disease, as it is impossible to contract a disease or mental disorders
in the place known as space, unless of course that disease contains the word ‘space’. This also applies to ‘Space Flu’ and ‘Space Cancer’.
This brings me on to another preposterous element of
the film. Not more absurd I imagine than the casting of Billy Bob Thornton as
the rogue space team leader and not a homeless man or alternatively the large,
weeping, black man who grabs penises, from The Green Mile as a large weeping
black man who grabs penises…but in space. No, in truth, no moment rings as absurdist
than the moment of genius when a man in a suit, apparently some kind of ‘Space Lawyer’
states. “Patents don’t exist in space”
. This simple justification for the illegal production of a large, boring (pun alarm) drill
was probably put in an absent minded moment, but surely they cant think that’s
true.. It must be difficult to complete a screenplay that is so scientifically accurate while
being easily understandable. Maybe I should point out some of the better
zingers.
“You’re override, its
been…overridden” - this surely defeats the point
“We’ve got a hole to
dig up here” – but that’s not a boring thing to do because he’s in space.
“I’ve been drilling
holes for 30 years and I’ve never not made the distance” – Bruce Willis’s
job is to dig holes in the sea. That’s easier than beating up puppies, or
children.
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| "This actually happened" |
Or, if that’s not enough, maybe the scene in which Billy Bob
Thornton depicts the complex space landing to 7 grown men with toy spaceships
on chopsticks, a big globe, a meteorite made of paper mache’ and a genuine
sense of conviction. At one point Owen Wilson thinks this is ridiculous. When a
man who can only talk in whispers and refuses to fix his dumb, fucking nose, thinks you are being ridiculous, you should cease doing what you are doing. (Its
fine when he's in Wedding Crashers, because its half him weeping and you can
barely hear him whisper over the sound of Vince Vaughn eating everything within
the gravitational pull of his massive melon of a head).
From the Editor ‘ a pretty part of a new emerging maple syrup conglomerate deal'
