Speedy Bar Review: Brass Monkey Nottingham

Brass Monkey, 'boasts', some of the finest cocktails in Nottingham. 'Boasts' however, is all that rings true in that statement. I 'boast', that I have a twelve inch cock and that i've slain dragons, but it doesn't mean either of those things are true (they are). When I wait over ten minutes for something to be made, I expect it to be of a bearable quality and not just to taste like rinsed liquor. Admittedly, I did once order a glass of water and trust me, it was un-be-lievable.


The menu spans over a small novel, ranging from drinks named after dead celebrities, to concoctions that sound as appealing as, 'blended sick' (you can have that one), which appears to be the only thing left out. A great deal of the Encyclopaedia Boozeica appears to be re-boots of popular drinks, or maybe 'rip-offs' is a more appropriate term. I've designed my own original cocktail, its called 'The Sum of it's Parts' and you take a little bit of gin, throw in some tonic for good measure, dont forget the lime. Dont steal that one Brass, I've copyrighted it! Though I doubt any of the bar-staff know how to plaguerize, as I imagine they dont have a diploma between them.

Best Speller 2007 (I made my own too)

The bar seems awkwardly presented, like its trapped in the early 90's. Huge Brass Monkey swastikas garnish the bars cramped interior. Above the bar sit two very sorry looking bits of A4 paper, proclaiming some very suspect accolades. 'Best Bar 2007'...what happened in the past four years. Makes you wonder...


The staff seem to be having more fun than the customers. Casually tossing pieces of ice down cleavages they'll never touch. It's not that I feel they are incompetent, some of them do appear to be well read, constantly citing the wonderful literally culture of barmanery. 'Booze and You', ''By Gordons! Understanding Gin', and 'Going Mad With Power: Where to get a 6ft Bodyguard and 3ft of Mahogany'.


The roaring 80's soundtrack tends to blindside every conversation you have, creating a little confusion. Several people have asked me why I keep telling them about my sunglasses....at night. Others made mention of my trips to Africa or when I played with the boys at the beach. It gets me hot blooded.  By the end of the night I've got double vision and I just want to find some hero to knock the jukebox on the head.


Dont take my word for how great it is though! You should all head down there. Dont forget students drink cheaper! They love students, you should all go, get really drunk first though, because they love that the most. Saturday is RnB night, dont miss out on seeing Dappy have a WKD after his regular set. Theres a special code too, if you are told you cant come in, try to break the door down, thats how they know you're cool.


Honest.

From the Editor a pretty 'gin and slimline' deal