Editorial: Middle Aged Women

One of these raised Hitler

For the sake of argument, your name is Caron, thats a suitably redundant name. You Caron, are the greatest living drain on society today, no you dont sell drugs, you dont collect benefits, you're just a middle class housewife. You dodder around life with a seeming smile and well to do intent. You pretend to dust at least once a day and do the Daily Mail crossword. You pass off Marks and Spencers dinners as vehicles of your own creation. You're a fraud. You do the school run and spread gossip, you buy clothes you dont need and pass insecurities onto your children. Harmless? 

But how Caron are you, how are you destroying the world we live in.....'conversation'. Your garrulous, inane rambling has such a dramatic effect on other peoples lives and you dont even realise, do you Caron?

The Mother/Son context

C - Dinners ready

S- Coming

C - I said dinners ready!

S - Im coming, Jesus

C - Come on its getting cold! !

S - IT HAS LITERALLY BEEN TEN SECONDS

C - Come on Mr. Grumpus, come downstairs

(Downstiars)

C - Lay the table then, it'll be ready in five minutes

S - Fuck off Caron

Now, take a conversation of that level and place it in a life threatening situation

The Burning Building Context

Victim - Hello, hello? is that the Fire Brigade? My house is on fire, I cant get out!

Caron - Haha, hello, West Midland Fire Service how can I direct your call

V - My house is on fire, I cant get out, the smoke it everywhere, my son is trapped in the other room

C - Oh no, thats dreadful, how did it start, was it incense, always the way, haha

V - What? No...I just need the fire brigade...please, please I cant breathe

C - You cant breathe? I think you might need an ambulance, one second I'll put you through

V- No Wai....

Julie - Hello West Midlands Paramedics how can I help

V - MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

J - Sorry sir I think you've got the wrong number, Il put you through to the FD

V - I was put through from there!

J - Was it that Caron, oooooo the devil, Il call her now and ask her what she's up to!

J- Sorry sir there was a bit of a mix up, Caron's a bit impulsive you see one moment

C - Hello, Fire Department

V - Please, some debris has fallen on my leg and now I can't move, the fires getting closer

C - Oh hello! Its been ages, haha, how are you? Gotten worse has it, I hear fires do that

V - JESUS CHRIST, HELP ME PLEA.........

C - Hello? Hello? Some people.

Also, what is wrong with them all, its not just the roundabout conversations and wistful shakes of the head, its everything else. They slow society. Go to any supermarket in the world and watch two women pass each other with trollies, they slow to a near stop, laugh at each other and do some sort of strange nodding and finger waving. What are they doing, they are clearly acknowledging  they are both shopping, but in what way, they dont say anything, they just slow everyone else down. 

What are you fucking doing?

Not only that, but in swimming pools, slowly breastroking along, head above the water like a fucking nuclear submarine. They exert so much effort not trying to get there hair wet, only to then have a shower afterwards. JUST GO UNDERWATER, ITS A POOL.

From The Editor  - 'a pretty middle aged deal'

A Special Thanks to 'Jeeksy'