Review: Jamie's Italian, Nottingham

Everything is painted green, I assume that's a fresh colour, something natural, very rustic. However, 'swamp green' is not any of those things. Admittedly, I am slightly colour blind, but if it still offends me, it must look like shit to everyone else. The furniture doesn't fair so well either, a rag tag array of different old bits of wood. It was like being at an elderly sexual health clinic. I know it meant to be a 'homely' feel, but I have never been in a house where the table has four different types of chair. I appreciate Jamie doesn't have his 'O Levels', 'cus' he's just a nice lad' and is apparently dyslexic, but this place makes him come across more like a borderline retard. 


This brings me to the seating arrangement. I didn't pay good money so Misses Middle Class can watch me not twist my pasta on a spoon. I'll cut it up if I want you tart. I know that everyone loves money, so cramming me in a box with 50 other people is economical, but its not pleasant. I had to observe every mouthful the gentleman sitting opposite me shoved in his massive mouth as he proceeded to talk with his mouth full. The only advantage was that I was probably close enough to punch him in the face. 


The menu was typically Jamie Oliver, words like 'pucker' appeared frequently and phrases such as a 'bit of' and 'thrown together' were lightly garnished across the menu. This is obviously emulating Jamie's method of cooking, but in all honesty 'Worlds Best Olives' is an outright lie. that's not true is it? If he was going for good honest cooking it should have been 'Half Decent Olives', 'Overpriced, Low quantity Olives' or just 'Olives: Only Six Facking Pound'. On top of that 'Fish Cooked in a Bag' has all the appeal of 'body dumped in a bag'. I could dress up my shit better.


The whole place is built so people can avoid pretentious eating,'fine dining', complicated menu's and pompous clientèle, but the whole place creates a new level of confusion and pretension. You cant even book a table, you just have to play it by ear. That's ridiculous, that's even more pretentious. I like booking tables. It makes me feel big and important when the waitress says my name. Its one thing to be hip and current and its another to just be stupid. Also when the waiter told me that in 'ten years time, all wine will be in cartons' I knew it was shit, because there is no such thing as a vintage carton of juice and no such thing as a well informed waiter. 


If you want a great Italian, head down to Jamie's and next door there is a Carluccio's.


Fuck you Jamie 


Bish Bosh Done

From The Editor  'a 30 minute deal' 

Special thanks to Rose 'Rat-Face' Kiely, for eating there

Dedicated to Luke 'Number one fan'