Editorial: What did you get for Christmas?

Christmas presents more so than anything are an accurate interpretation of not only your family and friends situation at that time but also how your parents probably feel about you. Follow these simple steps and avoid asking for prozac next year.


The Split Gift


The split gift is one you receive from more than one person. This is used by people in many different ways. If for example you receive a present from 'Rob and Sue' and Sue is your wife, and you dont know who Rob is, its time to start reading her emails. Another classic is the 'From Mummy and Daddy', if 95 percent of your presents have 'From Mummy', 4 percent are 'From Santa' and 1 percent say 'From Mummy and Daddy' and that 1 percent is a pair of socks and 'extreme boggle' your parents are definitely getting a divorce.

On Socks and Oranges

(All 'Haha's' imply a middle aged, ignorant mothers laugh)

Mum - You can never have enough socks

You - Yes you can

Mum - They're Hugo Boss

You - So the reason you didn't get me my copy of 'Cooking Mama' I wanted is because you spent half your budget on wool

Mum - Haha...yeah, dont you love them, they're Hugo Boss"

You - No, whats this, is this a...a fucking orange?

Mum - No its a 'satsuma'...'sat-su-ma', 

You - This isn't a satsuma, its a small orange

Mum - haha, yeah

Basic Present Interpretation

• Hungry Hungry Hippos - If your over the age of ten, your parents think you're fat and this is all you're capable of.
• Dominos - Your parents desire to see you fail at everything just like they did, as you miserably spend all day trying to make flat dice interesting.
• Hats - Your parents think this will cover up your shit haircut 
• Running Trainers - They still think your fat, maybe even want you to run away from home.
• A Wii Remote and no Wii - 'just shake it and imagine', your dad probably just lost his job at the box factory.
• Some Prostitute Hair - Your dad was the 'Crossbow Cannibal' or your parents are definitely getting divorced.

Oh, thanks - by The Editor

Il put it here 

its really great

oh cheers, smashing, thanks a lot mate

I didn't think 

you'd got the hint

ive always wanted one 

for a quick stint

Im going, straight away 

To hide it in my room

I better do it quick 

They'll be here soon

Theres the siren, and a ring at the door

I see one officer, three officers, four

I eat a bit then run to the door

'You cant have her back'

They scream 'get on the floor'

I can hear her screaming in the back

I run over and stab stab stab 

Away at her six pack

The screaming stopped

Theres blood by my feet

Its snowing outside

What a wintery treat

Its nearly christmas 

On my snowy lane

And me. the Crossbow Cannibal

Finally has fame

From the Editor - 'hungrier than a hippo'