Review: The Colly/Kasbah

Location: Coventry

‘It’s hot, all the birds are rancid and the music’s shit, why the fuck did I come here.’

‘Its Monday’

Overview

If you love plastic bottles, high cholesterol, Will Smiths daughter and all those people you didn’t like at secondary school then go find them all under one roof.

Imagine Oceana was the result of genetic experimentation, like Arnold Swarzanegger in ‘Twins’, then the ‘Colly’ is Danny de Vito - short, fat, ugly and probably trying to rip you off.

If you are under the age of 18, don’t fret, you’ll still be able to get that WKD you always wanted, just borrow an ID, just make sure there the same race, they frown on that.

If you are over 18, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to get all that jail-bait you always wanted because, you guessed it, young girls just love your older, more experienced man sword. Don’t be fooled by your friends telling you ‘she’s to drunk, ‘she’s only 13’, ‘I’ll tell the police’. They’re all just jealous of your pulling power. Just go for it.

As long as you stick to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ system of paedophilia you’ll never have to feel that ‘morning after’ guilt as you weigh her down, and put her in the canal.

The Rooms

Main Room – ‘I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth’. It’s sweaty, square and has two bars, don’t look back before going in because it will only remind you of what your leaving behind.

Indie Room – ‘where are all the women’. So indie everyone looks the same, it’s like the social hub of chic and hip, throw back your hair (and forth) and stamp your feet to that same Kooks album again and again.

Upstairs and Cocktail Bar – ‘what the fuck is a woo woo’. If you want to see condensation rise or just go to sleep in your own sick, the upstairs area has all the sofas you need. Check out the new Cocktail bar for some reason.

Outside Area – ‘that’s it, I’m getting a burger’. If you are done with all the raw meat in the main room why not come eat some outside instead.

Best Bits

• That moment your told by a largely un-ambitious black man that you sincerely need to ‘freshen up for poonani’.
• Leaving

ONE TO MISS

See you there Monday

P.s - click the photo for an idea of your night out

From the Editor – ‘I whip my hair back and forth’