Turbo Review: Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader

Synopsis

Pirates of the Caribbean meets Lord of the Rings meets Babe meets Liam Neeson.

An adventure that should be kept strictly to the imagination, the 'Dawn Treader' unfortunately treads no new ground

One to Miss

From The Editor - 'a pretty 3D deal'

Review: The Colly/Kasbah

Location: Coventry

‘It’s hot, all the birds are rancid and the music’s shit, why the fuck did I come here.’

‘Its Monday’

Overview

If you love plastic bottles, high cholesterol, Will Smiths daughter and all those people you didn’t like at secondary school then go find them all under one roof.

Imagine Oceana was the result of genetic experimentation, like Arnold Swarzanegger in ‘Twins’, then the ‘Colly’ is Danny de Vito - short, fat, ugly and probably trying to rip you off.

If you are under the age of 18, don’t fret, you’ll still be able to get that WKD you always wanted, just borrow an ID, just make sure there the same race, they frown on that.

If you are over 18, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to get all that jail-bait you always wanted because, you guessed it, young girls just love your older, more experienced man sword. Don’t be fooled by your friends telling you ‘she’s to drunk, ‘she’s only 13’, ‘I’ll tell the police’. They’re all just jealous of your pulling power. Just go for it.

As long as you stick to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ system of paedophilia you’ll never have to feel that ‘morning after’ guilt as you weigh her down, and put her in the canal.

The Rooms

Main Room – ‘I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth’. It’s sweaty, square and has two bars, don’t look back before going in because it will only remind you of what your leaving behind.

Indie Room – ‘where are all the women’. So indie everyone looks the same, it’s like the social hub of chic and hip, throw back your hair (and forth) and stamp your feet to that same Kooks album again and again.

Upstairs and Cocktail Bar – ‘what the fuck is a woo woo’. If you want to see condensation rise or just go to sleep in your own sick, the upstairs area has all the sofas you need. Check out the new Cocktail bar for some reason.

Outside Area – ‘that’s it, I’m getting a burger’. If you are done with all the raw meat in the main room why not come eat some outside instead.

Best Bits

• That moment your told by a largely un-ambitious black man that you sincerely need to ‘freshen up for poonani’.
• Leaving

ONE TO MISS

See you there Monday

P.s - click the photo for an idea of your night out

From the Editor – ‘I whip my hair back and forth’

Editorial: What did you get for Christmas?

Christmas presents more so than anything are an accurate interpretation of not only your family and friends situation at that time but also how your parents probably feel about you. Follow these simple steps and avoid asking for prozac next year.


The Split Gift


The split gift is one you receive from more than one person. This is used by people in many different ways. If for example you receive a present from 'Rob and Sue' and Sue is your wife, and you dont know who Rob is, its time to start reading her emails. Another classic is the 'From Mummy and Daddy', if 95 percent of your presents have 'From Mummy', 4 percent are 'From Santa' and 1 percent say 'From Mummy and Daddy' and that 1 percent is a pair of socks and 'extreme boggle' your parents are definitely getting a divorce.

On Socks and Oranges

(All 'Haha's' imply a middle aged, ignorant mothers laugh)

Mum - You can never have enough socks

You - Yes you can

Mum - They're Hugo Boss

You - So the reason you didn't get me my copy of 'Cooking Mama' I wanted is because you spent half your budget on wool

Mum - Haha...yeah, dont you love them, they're Hugo Boss"

You - No, whats this, is this a...a fucking orange?

Mum - No its a 'satsuma'...'sat-su-ma', 

You - This isn't a satsuma, its a small orange

Mum - haha, yeah

Basic Present Interpretation

• Hungry Hungry Hippos - If your over the age of ten, your parents think you're fat and this is all you're capable of.
• Dominos - Your parents desire to see you fail at everything just like they did, as you miserably spend all day trying to make flat dice interesting.
• Hats - Your parents think this will cover up your shit haircut 
• Running Trainers - They still think your fat, maybe even want you to run away from home.
• A Wii Remote and no Wii - 'just shake it and imagine', your dad probably just lost his job at the box factory.
• Some Prostitute Hair - Your dad was the 'Crossbow Cannibal' or your parents are definitely getting divorced.

Oh, thanks - by The Editor

Il put it here 

its really great

oh cheers, smashing, thanks a lot mate

I didn't think 

you'd got the hint

ive always wanted one 

for a quick stint

Im going, straight away 

To hide it in my room

I better do it quick 

They'll be here soon

Theres the siren, and a ring at the door

I see one officer, three officers, four

I eat a bit then run to the door

'You cant have her back'

They scream 'get on the floor'

I can hear her screaming in the back

I run over and stab stab stab 

Away at her six pack

The screaming stopped

Theres blood by my feet

Its snowing outside

What a wintery treat

Its nearly christmas 

On my snowy lane

And me. the Crossbow Cannibal

Finally has fame

From the Editor - 'hungrier than a hippo'

Unsung Heroes: Alexander Godunov (1949–1995).

Some people get less credit than they deserve, this is why 'unsung heroes' gives these men and women a chance to be recognised by the general public. The first is:


      Alexander Godunov


He in his short life of 45 years played such notable roles as:

• German Amish man, (Witness, Harrison Ford)
• German composer, (The Money Pit, Tom Hanks)
• German terrorist, (Die Hard, Bruce Willis)

He took on all these roles startlingly well despite his disadvantage. Being Russian.

In memory of him and because its the best christmas film ever, right now, this second, go and watch Die Hard. Seriously, stop reading, go now.

From the Editor - 'Now I know what a TV dinner feels like'

Review: Teletext.

There are only two types of people who use Teletext - The elderly and the very nearly elderly. This is why:

It appears the man, woman, beast or idiot who designed Teletext only did so was to frustrate the most impatient nation of people on earth.  

Example - 'I cant wait for a white christmas, so much in fact that I bought these christmas post cards depicting wintery scenes. I did not however realise that in reality these scenes would depict me standing next to my car, which is upside down, dragging out my mothers corpse. Now I cant wait for the snow to clear' - A British National

Design

A startling and easily distinguishable combination of a wide range of varied colours. Its like a rainbow, you cant touch it, it never ends and there doesn't appear to be a point.

Speed

By the time you've read all of this you might have got five percent of the way to the place you want to go, only to realise that yesterdays TV listings lack any relevance in the real world.

Usefulness

If someone asked me to book a holiday, check the weather or read the news I could do these things in several ways. Unfortunately the word several does not have enough room for the pile of gypsy sick that is Teletext.

If it were a sandwich it would be

Cut into four little squares like your grandma did them, not enough filling, lovingly over buttered and lacking in initiative. It also took grandma 45 minutes to make them because she has old hands. Bitch

Overall

If you accidentally switch it on, make sure you intentionally turn it off again.

Rating - 'one to miss'

The Editor - 'a pretty medium deal'

Editorial: A SUPER SPECIAL CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

                  

Merry Christmas from The Editor

Retail Recommendations: Sales Worth Getting Involved In

Its the season of joy, tidings to all men and cheap stuff you probably wouldn't have bought otherwise. With the massive range of sales out there you need to know where to go. Dont be fooled by the sales assistants telling you they dont know when mark downs are going to happen, weasel it out of them. 

'Sorry were just a small multi-billion pound retail giant, how could we possibly know the date of the sales in advance' - a shmuck

For the moment though. let sift the shit from the sauce

Clothes

TOPMAN - With its wide range of less than original clothing you cant afford to not buy all the stuff they didn't manage to sell in spring. Visit the site, buy two t-shirts, if you're lucky, your best friend will only own one of them.

Sale Rating - 'Flawless'

ALL SAINTS - is currently on the forefront of fashion, with its wide range of clothes that look like they were recovered from a fire. If you're going to spend your hard earned cash, why not buy something with loads of holes in it. Because cutting open holes is more expensive than sewing them up.

Sale Rating - 'Flawless'

ASOS - So much stuff you will literally try to fuck the screen. Trawl over thousands of pages of things that look nigh on identical. Dont be scared by the fact most of it wont fit when you get it, Because at least you'll get it.

Sale Rating - 'One to Miss

Media

PLAY - Have you ever wanted the complete collectors edition of Home and Away for less than the price of a salmon baguette? Have you ever desired a wildely out of date bluetooth headset.

Sale Rating - Flawless

Beauty

The Body Shop - Every time you walk into the body shop you're overwhelmed by that mustard gas like sensation, now with over 50 percent off you can take that home with you.  The Body Shop will give your house that 'musty' tone you always wanted...twice.

Sale Rating - One to Miss

Others

ACTION AID - A guilt free christmas is a little cheaper this year. Keep your mind off of dead babies in the new year for only 15 english coins a month. Because they are clearly to unhealthy to sweep the flies out there eyes, but they love building wells.

Sale Rating - One to Miss

Fin.

Hopefully with this advice you will be well on your way to buying something you dont want, may not need, but decided to spend money on despite these negatives. Have a turbo sale bonanza.

From the Editor - 'a pretty medium deal'

Film: Super Presidential Raptor Squad.

This is a Velociraptor, the second most dangerous thing to have stalked planet earth

This is a Future Nazi, the most dangerous thing roaming teenage minds at this point

These are the Attenborough brothers, the oldest people on earth

Mind Explosion. By carefully crafting together these few elements my friends and I have designed a film plot so unique, so good, so 'inception' that by the time it's been released on DVD, people will have already downloaded it illegally. To get this project off the ground we need funds and staff. These funds will be divided into separate areas, all of which are essential

• Raptor Breeding - 5 English pounds, Japanese people
• Raptor Training - 2 Sterling, One steely looking Englishman (must own set of safari gear)
• Raptor Feeding - Blacks
• Life Support for David and Richard - a blue note and a nurse
• Cast Fees - a one pound coin
• Jack Nicholson supplies - £1,000,000 est. One drug dealer

Fuck 'Action-Aid', give it all to us. Lunch will be provided on set. All staff bar 'Raptor Feeding' [Blacks] please report to the cafeteria at 1300. All 'Raptor Feeding' staff [Blacks] please report to 'Raptor Annex' at 1300, no metal objects.

Copyright: 'Super Presidential Raptor Squad' TM 'Jack Nicholson' TM 'Blacks' TM 

From the Editor - 'a pretty medium deal'

Get involved.

Since the creation of Shadow Boxers by some shady fellows I felt that it lacked something, that something is this. If you don't read all the stuff I write you'll be shooting yourself in the foot, why not shoot someone else. 

From the Editor - 'a pretty medium deal'