Editorial: Middle Aged Women

One of these raised Hitler

For the sake of argument, your name is Caron, thats a suitably redundant name. You Caron, are the greatest living drain on society today, no you dont sell drugs, you dont collect benefits, you're just a middle class housewife. You dodder around life with a seeming smile and well to do intent. You pretend to dust at least once a day and do the Daily Mail crossword. You pass off Marks and Spencers dinners as vehicles of your own creation. You're a fraud. You do the school run and spread gossip, you buy clothes you dont need and pass insecurities onto your children. Harmless? 

But how Caron are you, how are you destroying the world we live in.....'conversation'. Your garrulous, inane rambling has such a dramatic effect on other peoples lives and you dont even realise, do you Caron?

The Mother/Son context

C - Dinners ready

S- Coming

C - I said dinners ready!

S - Im coming, Jesus

C - Come on its getting cold! !

S - IT HAS LITERALLY BEEN TEN SECONDS

C - Come on Mr. Grumpus, come downstairs

(Downstiars)

C - Lay the table then, it'll be ready in five minutes

S - Fuck off Caron

Now, take a conversation of that level and place it in a life threatening situation

The Burning Building Context

Victim - Hello, hello? is that the Fire Brigade? My house is on fire, I cant get out!

Caron - Haha, hello, West Midland Fire Service how can I direct your call

V - My house is on fire, I cant get out, the smoke it everywhere, my son is trapped in the other room

C - Oh no, thats dreadful, how did it start, was it incense, always the way, haha

V - What? No...I just need the fire brigade...please, please I cant breathe

C - You cant breathe? I think you might need an ambulance, one second I'll put you through

V- No Wai....

Julie - Hello West Midlands Paramedics how can I help

V - MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

J - Sorry sir I think you've got the wrong number, Il put you through to the FD

V - I was put through from there!

J - Was it that Caron, oooooo the devil, Il call her now and ask her what she's up to!

J- Sorry sir there was a bit of a mix up, Caron's a bit impulsive you see one moment

C - Hello, Fire Department

V - Please, some debris has fallen on my leg and now I can't move, the fires getting closer

C - Oh hello! Its been ages, haha, how are you? Gotten worse has it, I hear fires do that

V - JESUS CHRIST, HELP ME PLEA.........

C - Hello? Hello? Some people.

Also, what is wrong with them all, its not just the roundabout conversations and wistful shakes of the head, its everything else. They slow society. Go to any supermarket in the world and watch two women pass each other with trollies, they slow to a near stop, laugh at each other and do some sort of strange nodding and finger waving. What are they doing, they are clearly acknowledging  they are both shopping, but in what way, they dont say anything, they just slow everyone else down. 

What are you fucking doing?

Not only that, but in swimming pools, slowly breastroking along, head above the water like a fucking nuclear submarine. They exert so much effort not trying to get there hair wet, only to then have a shower afterwards. JUST GO UNDERWATER, ITS A POOL.

From The Editor  - 'a pretty middle aged deal'

A Special Thanks to 'Jeeksy'

Editorial: I Hate Britain's Fattest Man

This is Paul, he is Britain's fattest man, I apologise if you find this picture disgusting, but that is because Paul is a fat piece of shit. Paul unfortunately has another affliction, he cant stop crying. 
Over the course of one Channel 4 documentary Paul cries over 20 times. He cries when he eats, he cries when hes moved, he cries when he becomes aware that cars are fast. He cries when journalists 'invade his home', despite him sanctioning his massive fucking head being shown on national television. He cries when his carer leaves. He cries when they dont get a Chinook helicopter to take him to hospital for his treatment. Once he receives his free treatment he then cries because they cut his funding. He breaks a glass, an NHS glass, more tax payers money. He is a big ungrateful bastard


He makes ridiculous statements:


'This fold on my leg has a mind of it own' - THATS BECAUSE ITS A LUMP OF FAT PAUL, 


'Its a shock to your system having your carer leave' - But not being told that you weigh 56 stone


'How can the Sun say i weigh 70 stone, they dont know that' - Thats because Paul, if I put you on a beach and painted you blue, animal conservationists would try and roll you into the sea.


'im on top of the world at the moment' - You are another world Paul, a whole other place.


And then what do they do after his operation, after he's dropped the weight, they dress him up like fucking Rocky 

I hate you Paul.

From The Editor - 'I ate a whole pizza while I watched'

Review: Smack

Location: Leamington Spa

'I hear all the fast track tickets sold out last year'

Overview


I hear if you get in, there's a man in there and he reads your future.


Best Bits


Getting five meters from the door and being told that its reached.....'capacity', I think thats when it becomes self aware.

One to Miss

From The Editor - 'Standing in Line'

Review: Up in the Air

Certificate - 15

Starring: Oceans Eleven

Synopysis:

Danny Ocean likes planes, flies on planes, lives on planes, is in planes. When on a plane he meets a lady who he likes, maybe even like-likes. They then talk about planes, being on planes, what they do between planes. After some planes Danny gets on a plane and finds out that she doesn’t like planes that much because she has a husband who is not a plane. Danny gets back on a plane and the film ends with him in a plane.

Themes

Danny Ocean is a successful but rom-comically flawed individual who traverses the United States telling people they have been fired. The film touches on the themes of elitism, travel, commitment, commitment to travel, elitist commitments, commitment-commitments and planes.

The most pressing and unique feature of the film is that the male lead is a ‘commitmentphobe’. Clearly the Hollywood Brains Trust have been putting there heads together, because never before have I seen a male role unable to involve himself fully with a woman due to his glaring flaws only to eventually thaw from his icy resentment of attachment to become hopelessly in love to then be shattered by the hard sting of rejection only to be soothed by the soft analogy of redemption.

Yes folks its rare when something of this ‘Ben Stiller’ like quality emerges, especially when not actually starring Ben Stiller.

FLAWLESS

From the Editor 'Ocean's 14th member'

Note: the FLAWLESS/ONE TO MISS review system is a Shuduxy’Buxy/Shadow Boxers copyright and is not to be used without prior authorisation. ‘You either like it or you don’t’