Editorial: Children's Television

Children’s television is hanging by a thread. That’s a fact, no one can sit there and tell me that since Mark from Smart went down to a train station, and instead of painting it, tried to hang himself, that children’s TV hasn’t been a bit shit . That’s not to say that he didn’t manage to do it eventually, apparently the first attempt was botched, I can only assume that it was because he tried to use a paper mache’ noose. Mark’s fiancé had played a court jester on See it Saw it, known for her hilarious antics; she burnt to death full of sniff in a bathtub…thats not very hilarious at all.

Lets look at a coke fuelled 20 years of great television

'You filthy bastard'

Smart

Have you got your sixteen paper cups ready, have you poured away all the washing up liquid, do you have all the toilet roll tubes in the world. To make anything that show expected, you had to take a dump five times a day and only wash in the sink. Despite this you could still watch Mark Speight travel around drawing castles and scouting locations to kill himself, the miserable prick. I think he was having an affair with that play-dough douchebag Morph and died during a sex act. Apparently he left two suicide notes, I bet one of them looked like this 

Biker Mice from Mars

'They look gay now, but boy could they eat some cock'

Where did they get that idea? They’re from Mars, but they like and are aware of motor sports. They call their enemy the ‘Big Cheese’, but they love cheese! They’re mice for god’s sake. Also the whole program revolves around the disfigurements they received escaping from mars. One lost his arm so has a robotic replacement; another has burnt retinas and has to always wear sunglasses (thats horrific). The last one has a horrific scar. Its funny that these are always the things that people point out in the program, aside from that fact that there anamorphic, six feet tall mice who ride fucking bikes. 'Jesus, that scar is horrific, and look at your retinas, christ im rude, and by god your a talking mouse'.' What sort of role models are these for kids anyway? Fucking awesome ones that’s what. Robotic arms and sunglasses are the tits.

Thundercats

‘Must write comical statement, must use crude satire’. Thundercats was a program about giant cat monsters that fought giant reptile/rodent monsters. You had Cheetarah, who looked like a cheetah and could run real fast, that makes sense I suppose. Then you had Liono, he had a mane and was noble, like lions apparently are, when there…in the Lion King. Then you’ve got Tigra, who could go invisible….I suppose there stealthy, so that….makes sense? Then you’ve got Panthro, who’s obviously a ‘Vehicles Expert’? What? How does that relate to his cat name at all, I’ve never seen a Panther mow down its prey in a tank. The closest things hes got to a panther is being black and hes really just an off grey. They should have called him 'Token Cat' or 'Equality Feline'. Then again, a black demolitions and vehicles expert. his name as well have been 'Cool Cat' or 'Stereotypicat' Then we’ve got ‘Snarf’, well for a start, what the fuck does that mean? He has no power, aside from the ability to finish each sentence with ‘Snarf, Snarf’. I guess he has the incredible ‘Speech impediment ability’. All you’re left with is Wiley-Kat, he road a hover board, like all cats do.

Then again, it did have the most 80’s theme tune of all time:

Art Attack

“Here’s one I made earlier’. Fuck off did you Neil. There is no way you made that out of just sandwich packets. You’re a liar, and you wear a stupid jumper and have a really noticeable mole. Paper mache that off your face you twat.

My childhood was shit

 From the Editor -  'a pretty feline deal'