Review: Alton Towers

I found it really hard to find the 'Towers', they weren't right there in front of you. First thing I saw when I walked in was Sonic the Hedgehog trying to fuck six or so children. I did try to approach him for a quick photo, but somehow, despite being a hedgehog, he got away. Blue bastard.


My main objective for the big A.T was to get on some rides, what was not part of the plan however, was the week long trek between each one. I had to light at least four fires, erect two tents and fight off a man dressed like a crocodile. Also, the incompetent, very lonely looking staff, provided me with a map that can only be described as 'not to scale', I was looking for landmarks, like the forbidden forest and the snow capped mountain, but unfortunately there was just grass, a pond and loads of Japanese people screaming into cameras.

The first ride I queued for was the newly re-named, Sonic Spinball, which seemed appropriate considering he probably did want to spin his balls in my mouth, from what i'd previously seen. Fucking rape rodent. I did enjoy the queueing, I ate a whole cheese ploughmans.. Some smug bastard marched past me in the single seat only queue. 'Look at you, standing in line, having to wait'. 'Ah but look at you, with no friends, on a 1990's themed ride, in a theme park, on your own, you daft cunt'.


Review within a Review: My Solero Ice Cream

'Me and my Solero'

I saw Inception not to long ago, and according to what all the cool people are saying, 'things', in other things, in other things, in other things, are AMAZING. Well I have an ice cream, in a soft sugary exterior, in a review, in another review. It was a good ice cream, maybe a little too cold, had to rush it, had to go into a haunted house with a laser gun. Done.

I normally give highly critical, maybe slightly controversial reviews. It's possible im a little harsh, however I would like to complement the jail-bait on show at Alton. It was just everywhere, they should have handcuffed me the second I walked in.  I penned a small poem about it.

Tonight theres going to be some Jailbait
Somewhere in this Town
Tonight theres going to be some Jailbait 
That im going to be around


I was going to take some photos and put them up, but a police officer told me not to, because if I got caught, i'd ruin it for everyone.

I came to realise after a few hours, that sitting down while something else does all the hard work, much like the wife I plan on having, is very tiring for me. The result of this is getting hungry, luckily for me Alton Towers has a vast array of different outlet, all ready to serve me the same shit, packaged differently. I decided to put my best foot forward into a Mexican. I would say the best thing about it, and this isn't saying much, was when I found half an eaten fajita on the table next to me and ate that as well as the burger I was trying to digest.

'Thats fucked up'

The highlight of Alton Towers for me, aside from the colourfully dressed pedophiles and long waits next to people who smell like Log Flume water, was probably 'Oblivion'. In case you were wondering, this ride does not descend into the pits of hell, but it does go downwards at a speed it makes amusing to try and eat a sandwich.

As I was leaving I simply stated, 'Wasn't that great?'. It was satisfying that for the first time I could use that question rhetorically and not have a girl lying below me say, 'Not particularly'

Please leave your own Alton Towers experiences below. With Sonic or without.

From The Editor 'a 150mph cheese ploughman's deal''